Lessons from the Finish Line...

Hello there, 

If you can't tell, my blogging has slowed WAY down over the last year. Part of that can be attributed to married life but in general, God has just brought so many things my way that require a lot of time and energy so that means blogging has become significantly lower on the list of priorities. 

So, this may or may not be my last blog post- I'm not sure but I do know that some of you have been following my journey since the very beginning & others may stumble upon this blog today for the first time and recently I've been asking myself a question that has driven me to share this post with you...

Today, after having been on a weight loss journey for 3.5 years, having lost over 200lbs & been maintaining my goal weight for the last 5 months or so, if I could share a few of the most important things I've learned with those who are hoping to lose a significant or small amount of weight, what would I say? 

Well, for what it's worth, from a girl who went from this: 

To this: 

Here's what I've come away with after crossing the "weight loss finish line" & finally "making it": 

• No # on a scale will every be able to truly make you happy or feel good enough. Don't believe me? You should. Sure, for a moment when you stand on the scale and see that loss you've been looking for you feel accomplished & happy, but sooner or later, that temporary happiness & sense of self-worth will fade when either you decide you'd like to lose another 5lbs or for some reason you gain a few lbs back & are suddenly thrown into a worldwhind of not being "okay" until you're exactly where you want to be. Let me be your big sister here for a second who has been on every side of that coin, stop it. It's dumb, pointless & and a never-ending exhausting game to tie your happiness & self-worth to a # on a scale or on your jean size. Your worth & identity was never meant to be tied to something temporal & superficial but to who God made you to be & who His Word says you are. 
• Food can control  an "skinny/healthy" person just as much (if not more) than it controls an obese person, it just happens to be more socially acceptable & easy to hide. Food was never meant to be something that controls us but shows us God's provision and care for us. Sure, when I weighed 350+lbs food absolutely had control over my life & left me feeling ashamed much of the time but let me tell you, I've had more moments at 140ish lbs of being controlled by the fear of food/calories/weight gain & living in a cycle of defeat and shame than I ever did at 352lbs. Truly being "in control" means living free from the compulsion to eat or not eat, free from feeling like your food choices either make you a good or bad person, free from a cycle of defeat & shame. For the rest of my life, my goal has shifted off of maintaining a certain weight to maintaining freedom from the control & obsession with food & my weight. 
• While I absolutely believe I have a better quality of life now than I did 3.5 years ago & that I am a better example of the freedom & power of Christ in my life, I am convinced that when I stand before God one day in eternity, He won't be judging me based on whether I was able to maintain my goal weight, completely removed artificial sweeteners from my diet or was able to shift to drinking my coffee black, He will be concerned with what captivated my heart. Was I captivated by the love He demonstrated for me on the cross and continues to demonstrate every day? Was I captivated by sharing His love with others as much as possible, being a good steward of the time He gave me here on Earth? Or did I spend my days preoccupied with trying to become what I considered the "best version of myself?" The truth is, the best thing about me is that I am united with Christ (Ephesians 1:3) & I'm pretty sure that there's nothing I can add to that to make myself any more significant or worthy than that. 
• I am convinced that God absolutely cares about how we view ourselves & treat our bodies and that the deep/underlying issues that have to be confronted and healed in order to experience true healing and transformation in regards to weight loss can only be accomplished by bringing our whole selves before the One who created us & asking Him to examine our hearts, hurts & hang-ups and asking for His divine power to bring the transformation that needs to take place as we work with Him in obedience & self-discipline. 
• In the end, don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled and thankful to have crossed the "finish line" & lost all of the excess weight, but in the end I've realized that losing the weight wasn't really the end or the goal because truthfully, there are just more important things in life than being thin or the epitome of health or having a "perfect body." I still struggle almost every day with the temptation to make unhealthy decisions that seek to control & enslave me, when I feel my jeans starting to get tighter, I'm still tempted to freak out and not feel "okay" but it's in those moments that I have to fight the temptation to go back to living in slavery to my body image or food & choose instead to believe that there is more to live than what I weigh, my salvation or "gold star status" isn't retained by making pristine food choices & that if the thing that makes me supremely happy in life is weighing 140lbs as opposed to 145lbs then I'm pathetic and need to get a grip on what life is really all about. 

I hope that the message you hear from this post isn't one that is saying, "Don't care about your health, it's not that big of a deal, just enjoy life, etc." because I absolutely believe that living in freedom & fullness will result in being healthy but my heart's cry for you is to truly discover what matters most in life, what truly gives you significant, what will truly bring you the peace & contentment you are looking for and I'll tell you what, if it's in a # on your jean tag or on the scale, you're missing the true joy that the freedom God desires for you brings and let me tell you, it is sweet. 

If you are interested in learning more about who God created you to be and the unshakable identity He desires to give you, I suggest reading Ephesians Chapter 1 & Romans Chapter 5. 

With true joy & freedom, 

Tiffany 

The Day That Felt Like It Would Never Arrive...

Wow. So, it's been awhile since I've posted- like 6-ish months. 

Life has been good. Very busy & very blessed. 

There's a million things I could say and update on but since my original purpose in starting this blog just a bit shy of 4 years ago (ohmygoodnessI'mgettingoldquickly!) was to chronicle my weight loss journey, it's probably most important that I update that I've officially met my goal. Like, done losing weight goal, period, finished, dunzo goal. It's still kind of surreal after being in extreme weight loss mode these past 4 years to actually mentally grasp achieving my goal and not necessarily having to push myself as hard as I did when I was needing to lose 2lbs a week but this is a discussion for another time, for now- it's celebration time :) 

Here's how my "big goals" have evolved throughout this journey that I started at 352lbs...

- Originally, I just knew that I wanted to lose 100lbs; sure, I knew that I would probably need to lose more than that to actually be healthy, but 100lbs just seemed so insurmountable to me that I had a laser like focus on that number for quite awhile. Then I lost 100lbs. 

- After losing 100lbs I felt a little directionless, I wasn't sure that I could lose another 100lbs or even if I wanted to, so I set a "final goal weight" of weighing 180lbs, and in my mind, that was a lofty goal as I hadn't weighed anything under 200lbs since being a young adolescent. Then I met that goal. 

- When I hit 180lbs I realized that I still wasn't at the healthiest weight and for my own health could lose more (even though I was more than pleased with where I had come from) and decided that 160lbs was the lowest that anyone my height (5'10'') should be so that became my new goal that I was all but certain would be the end of it for me. And I reached 160lbs and I when I got there I realized that my body was still carrying around excess weight and that there was no reason that I couldn't be my absolute healthiest and so I decided to just keep losing until I was at a weight that was: 

1) Healthy. I didn't want to be underweight but I didn't want to be satisfied with carrying around excess weight just because I had already lost so much- I see no reason why I don't deserve to be my absolute healthiest that I can be. 
2) Maintainable: I've heard about the Biggest Loser contestants that end up gaining a lot of their weight back because in order to keep themselves at their lowest weight, it requires them to be in the gym for hours a day and I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself. I started out on this journey because my life was being hindered, I didn't want it to continue being hindered and continue to be bound but just as a skinnier person. I want to be able to enjoy life and not be controlled by food or body image whether that is as a obese or thin person.  

So I kept losing and continued evaluating based on those 2 measurements and I finally found my healthy & happy weight range & final goal weight which turned out to be 140-145lbs. Of course, I prefer to be at 140lbs but having 5lbs of wiggle/fluctuation room is a natural & healthy thing in my opinion. I weighed in at 140lbs just 2 weeks ago making a total loss of 212lbs...pretty darn crazy & amazing. 

Here's a pic of me today at a happy & healthy 141lbs:

I'm still figuring out the interesting balance between being in weight-loss mode vs. maintenance mode as it is sometimes hard not to do a major pendulum swing between feeling guilty for having any carbs (as if I'm still in weight loss mode) vs. feeling like having a 300 calorie dessert everyday is perfectly fine (my screwed up version of maintenance mode). So, I'm still learning and living in God's grace as I do. 

I have a heck of a lot more to say in regards to revelations and lessons I've been learning in this part of my journey but alas, there's not enough time today but I did want to check in, share the good news and let you all know that the reason for my lack of posting wasn't because I had gained half my weight back and was too ashamed to write or that I had died or something as I am very much alive & so very thankful for the strength God has continually given me to finish this journey and enjoy life to it's fullest potential as His free, victorious & loved daughter. 

Playing Catch Up: Memorial Day Weekend!

Whew! 

As it does for many people, Memorial Day weekend kicked off lots of fun stuff but the level of activity just never seemed to drop until this moment! 

The last two weeks has been full of lots of fun with my hubby & friends as well as lots of successful new creations in the kitchen (whoo hoo)! 

Last Saturday we attended the wedding of one of our great ministry friends- it was an outdoor/country/rustic type themed wedding and it was decorated with the theme to a tee. How unique is this guest book idea? 

Here's how  my hubby signed it for us; fyi: I am convinced more and more every day that I could never out love him- love simply pours out of him. 

I can't lie, now that I'm not afraid to literally show every part of my body other than my face, I actually enjoy opportunities to get all fancied up and wear dresses! I will say that I don't ever foresee myself feeling comfortable wearing a dress any shorter than just above the knee but other than that, losing weight has opened up a whole new world of clothes to me (I'll share more about this in a post soon to come). Check out me and the hubby in our fancy clothes :) 

Yep- in case you didn't know, I'm taller than him. I had always told myself (and him actually) that I would never date anyone under 6 foot; I'm sure that always gave God a good laugh. 

For Memorial Day D planned a bike trip for us! PA has plenty of amazing bike trails and biking is pretty much the one form of exercise that he and I both enjoy as he tends to lean more towards trying to enjoy exercise at a somewhat leisurely pace while I prefer to work my bum off with lots of intensity and get it over with. We ended up riding a total of 28 miles and stopped for lunch in between- it was a beautiful route and I'm so glad we went; however, our differences in exercising definitely still present somewhat of an issue as apparently I like to ride much faster than he does but I'm sure with a little bit of compromise, we'll be able to come up with something that's suitable for us both :) And while I may be the more intense rider, I'm definitely the lazy one when it comes to getting the bikes ready & loaded, hence me taking this picture from inside the truck resting haha- oh he's a patient man! 

As I mentioned earlier, I've also been experimenting with lots of new pinterest recipes and all but 1 have been a success! 

We might as well start with the failure: 

Almond Crusted Salmon w/ Roasted Asparagus

I should first say that the asparagus was DELICIOUS actually. D and I LOVE asparagus and eat it a lot and this was the first time we had thought to add some red onion and mushrooms to it (not to mention our regular fixins- lots of garlic, garlic powder, lemon juice & pepper). So while that was yummy, the salmon...not so much. I think the recipe had potential, it's just that I overcooked it and didn't add enough seasoning. Anyone have another salmon recipe I should try? I'm really trying to branch out from my usual meats (chicken & shrimp) and try something new and I've had and liked salmon before, but I'm okay with saying my first attempt, wasn't a winner. 

However, I've discovered lots of other good lunch options lately! 

Lunch Winner #1: Grilled Chicken Caprese Salad

This yumminess consisted of: baby romaine lettuce, tomatoes on the vine, Trader Joe's pre grilled balsamic chicken (sometimes I just don't feel like grilling it myself), sliced mozzarella & Ken's light balsamic dress)= 370 calories. This was flavorful and oh so delicious. Honestly I probably had more mozzarella on there then I needed to so you could easily cut the calories down a bit if you wanted. 

Lunch Winner #2: 

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Lettuce Wraps 

I followed this recipe that I saw on Pinterest. I ended up getting 6 servings out of this recipe of 3 lettuce wraps each. They were super flavorful and definitely satisfied my ever-occurring buffalo chicken craving! I decided to top these with some diced tomato and fat free feta cheese (which helped tame some of the spice!) I would definitely recommend trying these out! 

Lunch Winner #3: Shrimp Fiesta Bean Salad 

While this picture may be crap-tastic, this may have been the top winner (I am aware that title makes no sense). I used this recipe and let me tell you, the combination of cumin and lime juice...shut.the.front.door! I added some shrimp and scooped it up with a serving size (10) of Food Should Taste Good's Multi-Grain tortilla chips (which I love btw!) and this was one of the most delicious lunches ever- something I will definitely be making again and soon! This meal was approx 480 calories. 

But lunch wasn't the only winner last week, I even had a dinner winner (which seem to be a bit fewer and far between! lol) and while this may not have been the most creative or difficult culinary feat, it was a winner with me and D nonetheless: 

Dinner Winner: Brown Rice Mediterranean Pizza! 

This was literally SO freaking good! I sprayed a brown rice tortilla with pam, threw it in the oven (420 degrees) for 5 minutes, took it out and topped it with some marinara from TJ's, sauteed up some spinach and mushrooms, sliced some thin tomato and topped it with some fat free feta. This beauty of a dinner came in at 330 calories and while I could obviously tell the difference between this and real pizza, this more than satisfied my pizza craving and honestly, we prefer thin/crispy crust and this was exactly that! 

We finished out our crazy busy weekend with a beautiful day at the ballpark with D's parents and I fully enjoyed finally getting some sun!

 FYI- it's still randomly cold here in Pittsburgh (like in the 60's with a windchill of the 50's) and being that I'm constantly cold now that I've lost weight & am originally from the land of 100 degree temperatures, I'm ready for it to be summer for real! 

I think I've officially caught ya'll up on most of the life happenings over the past two weeks. I will say that I've really been facing some new and very tough challenges when it comes to this weight loss journey as of late and I'm still currently working through them and letting God teach me what He wants to through it. I will definitely be sharing in due time. In the meantime, if you think of it- keep me and this journey in your prayers. 

Oh and one last thing...

Quest bars are gross. Yes, that is $8 worth of protein bars in my trash can. Bleck!!! 

A Moving Target: My Weight Loss Goal

When I began this journey 3.5 years ago, my "long-term" goal was to lose 100lbs; I knew I definitely needed to lose more than that (being that I started out weighing 352lbs), but I wanted to at least get past the first 100lbs & then take it from there. 

After I lost the first 100lbs I was obviously super happy but felt a bit lost as to where to go from there so I decided to set my first "final goal weight" goal of 180lbs. I'm pretty tall (5'10) and have a wider build so I figured that was a good goal for me although at the time when I set it, it still felt almost unattainable. 

Then I made it to 180lbs and realized I still had a ways to go so in the last 6 months I readjusted my goal weight to a range of 150-155lbs. And then on Sunday, this happened: 

I honestly didn't think I would ever see such a number staring back at me on the scale. It was this very same scale that once showed me 352lbs and it now was showing a number 203lbs lighter... 203lbs??! That means I've lost a whole other overweight person...that's just crazy! 

And perhaps even more crazy, I don't feel like I'm quite satisfied with the idea of me being at my goal weight. Is that crazy? 

I honestly don't know what my goal weight is because I've never been at it in my adult life so I'm finding it hard so say "I will be DONE losing weight when I get to ___lbs;" which is kind of frustrating to a goal-oriented gal like me. I like to have a goal and even more, I want there to be a point where I know I'm DONE losing weight, ya know? 

But it doesn't look like I'm ready to decide what # is just yet. I honestly don't think it would be healthy or sustainable for me to weigh any less than 140lbs so I feel fairly comfortable saying that would be my bare minimum (remember, I'm kind of an amazon woman) so maybe my happy goal weight range will end up being between 140-145lbs; for now, I'm comfortable with just saying..."we'll see." Right now I'm still aiming to lose 1lb per week & I at least take comfort in the fact that I know I have no more than 9 more pounds to lose. 

I would be lying though if I said I'm not concerned about walking down that slippery slope of no weight ever being "good enough" or that I'm always going to want to lose "just 5 more pounds." I guess all I can really do is be aware of that danger & keep my heart pure & right before God. Regardless, I know that I won't be worth more, more beautiful, more loved or more complete by weighing any certain number- the number that stares back at me on the scale doesn't make up my identity. 

So in celebration of being out of the 150's (wow that is still so crazy to fathom!); I thought I'd share a comparison pic; I'm sure you can figure out which one is which! 

Ya gotta love a good selfie. 

In other news, I've been trying lots of new things when it comes to cooking! For those of you who have been following my blog for any length of time you'll know that when I first started this journey, I thought making a wrap for lunch was a huge culinary success so the fact that I now cook on a regular basis, am constantly trying new recipes & even better yet, enjoy it is pretty darn great. 

That being said- I decided to give Kale another shot after my last attempt at eating Kale salad was a big flop. The verdict? 

Bleck. I have come to the conclusion that I just don't really like Kale salad and I'm okay with that. I like it cooked but regardless of how much "massaging" or letting the leaves sit in the dressing I do, I just don't like the texture, the smell or the taste & I made a deal with myself a LOONNGG time ago that I'd never force myself to eat anything I didn't like on this journey so I happily say adieu to eating Kale salad! 

However, all was not a loss in cooking world for me! Here in Western PA there is a wedding tradition called "The Cookie Table." Essentially, at any wedding in Western PA you will see anywhere from 1-4 tables completely packed full of cookies at the reception that have been brought/made by the brides friends and family. It's just a nice gesture and hey, no one is going to complain about having tables full of cookies to choose from! 

Here were some shots from the cookie table at our wedding: 

This weekend D & I will be attending our friend's wedding & I was asked to bake cookies for the cookie table. This was kind of intimidating to me as I've never made cookies from scratch before and people tend to ask who made what cookie and let's just say I was feeling the pressure! Luckily my friend told me what kind she'd like me to bake so at least I didn't have to make that decision as well. So, after scouring the internet for a gluten-free snickerdoodle cookie recipe I finally found one that I thought was doable and that sounded delicious: Gluten Free Pumpkin Snickerdoodles! 

Needless to say it took me wayyyy longer to make these than the recipe suggests but I threw my fear right out the window and got to work; D was so impressed he just had to snap a pic- or maybe he was more impressed that I was letting my hands get so messy and wanted to document it for proof (I'm realllllly not a fan of the kitchen getting messy, even while cooking)- I'm the type that likes to wash a dish as soon as I'm done using it while cooking while he's more of a "let's just get all the cooking done, make whatever mess we need to and worry about it at the end"- so...we try to compromise (read: he usually tries to compromise- tee hee hee). 

And only 3 hours later (haha) these babies came out pretty darn amazingly: 

I know accomplishments like this may not be a big deal to some but for me, cooking was always one of those areas that I was (and still am) self-conscious about so the fact that I made a cookie that I'm proud of, that tastes good & that me and my other GF friends will be able to enjoy at the wedding, leaves me with a little smile on my face. 

Alright, that's enough for today. 

I'd like to know: 

• Have you picked a goal weight? How did you come up with that number? Have you ever changed your goal weight? 

Old Habits May Die Hard...But They Can Die!

This past weekend D & I drove up to see my very best friend & her husband who live in Virginia; it was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment trip but the truth is, we needed to get away. As much as we love our life, sometimes we just need a change of scenery, change of pace & change of faces to get us out of a funk put things back into perspective and that's exactly what we got this past weekend. 

The weekend was full of lots of shopping, girl time, board games, chatting & eating (more on that later) & of course, in keeping with typical Tiffany & Erin fashion, lots of crazy pictures: 

(*Sidenote: The super cute shirt I'm wearing was totally a SMALL from J. Crew...a small!!? Say what?!?) 

It was a pretty surreal experience to be able to shop for clothes in the same stores as her- we've always enjoyed shopping together but in the past I've pretty much been restricted to buying accessories in any store she could buy clothes in (with the exception of Target and Old Navy) so to be able to go into any store she went into was a pretty fan-freaking-tastic feeling. 

Erin and I have been best friends for the last 7 years and I couldn't be more grateful to God for her in my life. She has been there through thick and thin...quite literally: 

The pic of us on the left is the day I graduated from college in 2009 (when I was at my very heaviest) & the one on the right is from this weekend (at my very lightest). 

I do want to share something that happened this weekend that definitely caught me off guard. Like I said, Erin and I were friends when I was at my biggest- when I was choosing to eat out at every meal, drink 500 calorie Starbucks drinks daily, eat crappy foods at midnight, had no clue about nutrition & had a crazy emotional attachment to being able to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. In 2009, after graduating college, I moved to Pittsburgh and soon thereafter was when I decided it was time to make a change, so we've lived in separate states the entire time I've been losing weight (but of course have visited each other multiple times).

Now before I share some of my struggles from this weekend, let me be clear that Erin has been nothing but a HUGE supporter, encouragement & cheerleader for me and my weight loss journey. I've been able to have conversations with her about how I got to where I was and how I got to where I am now unlike I've been able to have with anyone else because she knows me that well. Even when we lived together and I was living an unhealthy lifestyle, it was never her fault at all or even influence- she loved me as I was and never once made me feel inferior. I honestly couldn't ask for a better bestie. 

This weekend; however, did bring about some interesting challenges for me. I'm not sure what it was but I found myself reverting back to an old mindset of thinking whenever we would go out to eat at a restaurant or stop and get coffee at Starbucks; when I would normally stop eating when I was full or have no problem resisting dessert or an extra fatty coffee drink from Starbucks, this weekend I found myself "just accepting" that I would eat more than her, that I would order a larger size drink than her & that of course I would have an extra scoop of ice cream than she was because that's how it used to be. 

I was honestly shocked by this. Mostly because I normally have a spine of steel when it comes to issues of peer pressure & even though she wasn't pressuring me to make unhealthy choices at all, I was almost pressuring myself to revert back to that person who allowed food, emotions & circumstances to control them because that was what I had known in the past. 

After an instance of allowing myself to eat way too much dessert after dinner & having a stomach ache, I woke up the next morning & got my head on straight, remembered the freedom that I've received from food through Christ's power & returned to living victoriously over food and enjoyed the rest of our time together. 

Failure isn't an option for me in this journey; I take every instance that looks like a "set back" & promise to learn from what it has to teach me so that next time it can be a step of victory; from this weekend I learned: 

1. While Christ has set me free from living under the control of food, my emotions or circumstances, I'm not above being tempted or having cravings and if I want to continue to live victoriously, I must continue to seek His help & utilize the power that He makes available to me. When I think this way, there's no time for thoughts like, "Oh well, I fell off the wagon and have returned to the person I used to be," as I had begun to fear was happening, because the truth is that moments of "victory" or "failure" don't dictate who I am, Christ does & I have the power to choose that. 
2. This was a lesson I learned a long while back but needed a stern reminder of: Fun is not synonymous with eating crappy food; in fact, eating crappy food normally leads to shame. Fun is when I enjoy the company I'm with and remain true to myself & what is best for me. 
3. I am the only one who is going to make the "tough decisions" that need to be made in order to get me to where I want to go; if I'm waiting for someone else to choose to suggest working out as an activity or to opt out of having bread/dessert, than I'm waiting in vain & wouldn't deserve an ounce of credit for having went along with the decision. 

So, in the end I am thankful for this weekend for many reasons, some that were easier to come by than others, but thankful nonetheless. 

This week, life has returned to normal as usual; some happenings: 

I have been craving carrot cake like nobody's business so when I saw this Carrot Cake Larabar at GNC I had to try one! 

The verdict? Eh... it wasn't bad... there was definitely a "carrot cake-y" taste to it but not enough for me to buy a whole box of them, especially when there are so many other delicious Larabar options like peanut butter cookie, cookie dough & chocolate chip peanut butter. Can you tell I like cookies...and peanut butter...and chocolate? haha 

I also whipped together this yummy super light dish for lunches this week:

 Mediterranean Chickpea Tuna Salad:

4 servings (1 1/4 cup each) 

- 1 can of chickpeas
- 10 cherry tomatoes
- 2 cans of tuna
- 1 diced cucumber
- 1 tbls. evoo
- lemon juice to taste
- 4 tbls. balsamic vinegar
- 15 chips (Food Should Taste Good brand, multigrain)
= 454 calories 

I really have become much more of a frequent snacker than a big meal eater lately so this meal was great- it was light, zesty, spring-y tasting & it included chips so that's an all around win in my book! 

Lastly, I kicked my own bum in the gym yesterday with an intense 45 minute interval workout on the elliptical- when I had started running and thought I was all hardcore I had convinced myself that the elliptical was for wusses; well, if that's the case then I'll keep sweating my bum off like this and being a wuss :) 

Alright kiddos, that's enough for today but I would like to hear from you: 

• Has anyone else struggled with kicking old habits when you are back in an old familiar situation that you used to make unhealthy choices in? 
• What's your go-to lunch option these days? I'm always looking for new lunch ideas! 

Running: My (Almost) Identity Crisis

Howdy! 

First off, how cute & monstrous is this baby that D & I babysat last Friday night? 

I'm not quite sure this pic even does the largeness of this 5 month old baby justice but my aching back will testify that he is rather robust but oh so cute! Right now it seems like almost every one of our couple friends are having babies so we thought we'd give some of our friends a night out & watch this big little guy; let's just day it was definitely a good reminder for D & I to appreciate the time we have alone together right now. 

I'm really excited to share with you today something I recently went through that I would suspect maybe others out there have struggled with as well. 

Prior to training for my first 5K, I pretty much did a wide variety of activities at the gym (the elliptical, lots of spin classes, and some strength training) and I would say that if my fitness activities effected my sense of identity in any way, it was just that I saw myself as a "gym-go-er." 

However, I noticed that as I began running & training for my first 5K, as well as reading some running blogs & picking out running gear (which I will be sharing my faves of in an upcoming post!), that I began to form part of my identity around being a "runner." 

Running was something I never thought was even a possibility for most of my life so when I discovered that I actually could do it, it was as if I was discovering a whole new part of me- it was a big deal. 

And if all that wasn't enough, race day definitely sent me over the edge. Seeing myself among so many other "fit" people & being able to do the same thing they were was probably one of the proudest moments of my life. 

Everything about that day just felt epic to me- call me the biggest goober ever but I would probably have framed my race bib if it weren't for me turning it in for free tickets to a game! 

I guess I just felt like I finally belonged to some exclusive club of fit people that I had only dreamed about before that day. And it felt amazing. 

Until....

I started asking myself if I wanted to continue running and register for another 5K that some of my friends from church are doing & it was honestly a really hard decision to make. 

Why? 

Because I don't love running. While running may have given me one of the best feelings of my life on that one day, I don't love feeling like a slave to training for a race, worrying if I have to miss a training day, dealing with the various injuries, & just the overall pressure...and did I mention I just don't like running all that much? 

So, I decided I would be taking a break from running. And then I almost had a meltdown. 

The thought of no longer being identified with other "runners" or that I would no longer be able to identify myself as a runner was extremely disturbing to me. I had begun to develop a sense of pride & perhaps even superiority in regards to running & the thought of not doing it anymore just sent my world spinning. 

If I wasn't a runner anymore, what was I? Had I failed? Was I moving backwards? What else would I do? All of these thoughts plagued my mind for a good week until I got a healthy dose of reality. 

I had begun to allow being a "runner" to become form part of my identity, which in my mind is never a good thing. I do not want to define who I am based on the things I DO because those things can change (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) & they just aren't solid enough to determine something as precious as my self- identity. 

My identity is found in WHO I am and not what I can DO. 

When I began this journey 3.5 years ago I simply wanted to get my life back. I wanted to fight for me, I wanted to fight to be free from the control of food & old habits and that's exactly what I've done. 

I AM healthy & victorious because that's who I AM and not because of an activity I DO. 

If doing an exercise DVD, working out on the elliptical, hiking, spinning, running or biking will cause me to look like this: (sidenote: I am a firm believer that if you still look pretty after working out you clearly haven't worked out hard enough- can't you tell by this picture?! haha). 

Then I would say I am more than successful enough in my book. 

For the record, I do plan to continue incorporating running in my fitness routine; I currently run between 1-1.5 miles a few times a week & still plan to participate in 1-2 5K's each year because of how much I enjoyed participating in this last one and to keep me on my toes but I will not allow myself to feel ANY less healthy, successful or proud of how far I've come just because I don't love running. 

AHHHHhhhhhhhh....okay, now that I've got that off my chest, I feel much better! 

I still have my last 5lbs to lose to reach my goal weight so that, coupled with my newly gluten free diet, have me coming up with some pretty creative culinary concoctions: 

Breakfast this morning: a GF cinnamon rice cake, 2 tbls. PB2, 1 tbls. strawberry preserves & 1/2 an apple (a whole apple is pictured but I got full so I only ate half)= 175 calories 

Followed by a mid morning snack that had some people in my office giving me a weird look; it's okay though, I've gotten used to be the token health nut girl who eats weird looking things and I'd much rather be that than the girl I used to be: 

Hummus Filled Hard Boiled Egg Whites= 104 calories 

I've been getting more creative with my snacks lately as I kinda hit a wall with my usual go-to snacks of apples & peanut butter and just desperately needed a change. 

I'd like to know: 

1. Has anyone else ever struggled with building your identity around something you shouldn't? 
2. Have you ever felt "left out" of the fit community because you didn't enjoy a particular activity/food? 
3. What are your go-to snacks? 

Gluten Free??? Me???

Good news- I have finally come down from my post race high. I've had to do a lot of serious thinking about my fitness routine after the 5K- deciding whether I would continue to train for another 5K or even a longer distance or choosing another fitness route definitely plagued my mind for a solid week and although I'm still not completely sure, I think I've finally come to a decision I'm happy with, just not yet quite ready to share just yet as I'm still processing a bit. 

So something that I haven't talked about on the blog is that for the last 7ish months I've been dealing with some pretty severe digestive issues- I'll spare you the details but essentially, seemingly out of nowhere, everything about my digestive process changed. Over the last 7 months I have had almost every possible test you could think of done, been to the ER twice & seen 3 specialist, all without any answers. Zero. Zilch. 

2 weeks ago while feeding into my paranoia (aka: surfing web MD), Celiacs Disease or a sensitivity/intolerance to gluten was suggested as one of the many possible causes of the symptoms I had been experiencing. Honestly, I had no clue what gluten even was- in fact, I mistakenly thought it had something to do with sugar (glucose!) and thought it was more of a "fad diet" type of thing that I kind of just rolled my eyes about every time I heard anyone talk about it not realizing that it's actually an allergy issue. 

There's a lot to the subject but in short, people with an allergy to gluten experience a lot of digestive issues (among others) & one of the best ways to discover if you are allergic to gluten is to remove it from your diet for 4-6 weeks and see if your symptoms go away/get better and then to add it back in and see if you have a reaction. Yesterday marked my 2nd week off gluten & it's still a bit too early to tell what sort of effect it's having but I'm committed to remaining gluten free for at least a month and will happily remain GF if it means my symptoms will go away. 

I can't lie though, I decided to go GF as soon as I discovered that it could be the cause of my issues so it was very abrupt and kind of sent me over the edge for about 48 hours...haha. It was just hard because there was now multiple items in our pantry/fridge that I couldn't eat, I really didn't feel like I had a strong grasp on what I was allowed to eat & I kinda just drove myself crazy with all the research I was doing. I actually had to step away from researching/reading GF blogs as it was stressing me out and overwhelming me more than anything- so I'm keeping it simple. 

Once my amazing husband realized how overwhelmed the process had made me feel, he decided to plan a little day trip for us that weekend! It started out with us getting in the car & him handing me this envelope: 

It was filled with little origami papers w/ different times on it and on the inside contained an address to punch into the GPS but no indication of exactly where we were going- how creative is he!? 

We ended up exploring a bunch of po-dunk towns here in PA (which we love to do!), checking out some cute local stores, art galleries, an amazing BBQ hut & doing a mini-nature walk in the woods: 

In the end, it was exactly what I needed to clear my mind & relax- my goodness do I love that man. 

I'll definitely be sharing more on my GF journey in the coming days as it has definitely been an interesting one but just thought I'd put it out there for now. Just curious, any readers have a gluten sensitivity/intolerance or celiac's disease? I'd love to hear a bit of your story!