Running: My (Almost) Identity Crisis

Howdy! 

First off, how cute & monstrous is this baby that D & I babysat last Friday night? 

I'm not quite sure this pic even does the largeness of this 5 month old baby justice but my aching back will testify that he is rather robust but oh so cute! Right now it seems like almost every one of our couple friends are having babies so we thought we'd give some of our friends a night out & watch this big little guy; let's just day it was definitely a good reminder for D & I to appreciate the time we have alone together right now. 

I'm really excited to share with you today something I recently went through that I would suspect maybe others out there have struggled with as well. 

Prior to training for my first 5K, I pretty much did a wide variety of activities at the gym (the elliptical, lots of spin classes, and some strength training) and I would say that if my fitness activities effected my sense of identity in any way, it was just that I saw myself as a "gym-go-er." 

However, I noticed that as I began running & training for my first 5K, as well as reading some running blogs & picking out running gear (which I will be sharing my faves of in an upcoming post!), that I began to form part of my identity around being a "runner." 

Running was something I never thought was even a possibility for most of my life so when I discovered that I actually could do it, it was as if I was discovering a whole new part of me- it was a big deal. 

And if all that wasn't enough, race day definitely sent me over the edge. Seeing myself among so many other "fit" people & being able to do the same thing they were was probably one of the proudest moments of my life. 

Everything about that day just felt epic to me- call me the biggest goober ever but I would probably have framed my race bib if it weren't for me turning it in for free tickets to a game! 

I guess I just felt like I finally belonged to some exclusive club of fit people that I had only dreamed about before that day. And it felt amazing. 

Until....

I started asking myself if I wanted to continue running and register for another 5K that some of my friends from church are doing & it was honestly a really hard decision to make. 

Why? 

Because I don't love running. While running may have given me one of the best feelings of my life on that one day, I don't love feeling like a slave to training for a race, worrying if I have to miss a training day, dealing with the various injuries, & just the overall pressure...and did I mention I just don't like running all that much? 

So, I decided I would be taking a break from running. And then I almost had a meltdown. 

The thought of no longer being identified with other "runners" or that I would no longer be able to identify myself as a runner was extremely disturbing to me. I had begun to develop a sense of pride & perhaps even superiority in regards to running & the thought of not doing it anymore just sent my world spinning. 

If I wasn't a runner anymore, what was I? Had I failed? Was I moving backwards? What else would I do? All of these thoughts plagued my mind for a good week until I got a healthy dose of reality. 

I had begun to allow being a "runner" to become form part of my identity, which in my mind is never a good thing. I do not want to define who I am based on the things I DO because those things can change (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) & they just aren't solid enough to determine something as precious as my self- identity. 

My identity is found in WHO I am and not what I can DO. 

When I began this journey 3.5 years ago I simply wanted to get my life back. I wanted to fight for me, I wanted to fight to be free from the control of food & old habits and that's exactly what I've done. 

I AM healthy & victorious because that's who I AM and not because of an activity I DO. 

If doing an exercise DVD, working out on the elliptical, hiking, spinning, running or biking will cause me to look like this: (sidenote: I am a firm believer that if you still look pretty after working out you clearly haven't worked out hard enough- can't you tell by this picture?! haha). 

Then I would say I am more than successful enough in my book. 

For the record, I do plan to continue incorporating running in my fitness routine; I currently run between 1-1.5 miles a few times a week & still plan to participate in 1-2 5K's each year because of how much I enjoyed participating in this last one and to keep me on my toes but I will not allow myself to feel ANY less healthy, successful or proud of how far I've come just because I don't love running. 

AHHHHhhhhhhhh....okay, now that I've got that off my chest, I feel much better! 

I still have my last 5lbs to lose to reach my goal weight so that, coupled with my newly gluten free diet, have me coming up with some pretty creative culinary concoctions: 

Breakfast this morning: a GF cinnamon rice cake, 2 tbls. PB2, 1 tbls. strawberry preserves & 1/2 an apple (a whole apple is pictured but I got full so I only ate half)= 175 calories 

Followed by a mid morning snack that had some people in my office giving me a weird look; it's okay though, I've gotten used to be the token health nut girl who eats weird looking things and I'd much rather be that than the girl I used to be: 

Hummus Filled Hard Boiled Egg Whites= 104 calories 

I've been getting more creative with my snacks lately as I kinda hit a wall with my usual go-to snacks of apples & peanut butter and just desperately needed a change. 

I'd like to know: 

1. Has anyone else ever struggled with building your identity around something you shouldn't? 
2. Have you ever felt "left out" of the fit community because you didn't enjoy a particular activity/food? 
3. What are your go-to snacks? 

Gluten Free??? Me???

Good news- I have finally come down from my post race high. I've had to do a lot of serious thinking about my fitness routine after the 5K- deciding whether I would continue to train for another 5K or even a longer distance or choosing another fitness route definitely plagued my mind for a solid week and although I'm still not completely sure, I think I've finally come to a decision I'm happy with, just not yet quite ready to share just yet as I'm still processing a bit. 

So something that I haven't talked about on the blog is that for the last 7ish months I've been dealing with some pretty severe digestive issues- I'll spare you the details but essentially, seemingly out of nowhere, everything about my digestive process changed. Over the last 7 months I have had almost every possible test you could think of done, been to the ER twice & seen 3 specialist, all without any answers. Zero. Zilch. 

2 weeks ago while feeding into my paranoia (aka: surfing web MD), Celiacs Disease or a sensitivity/intolerance to gluten was suggested as one of the many possible causes of the symptoms I had been experiencing. Honestly, I had no clue what gluten even was- in fact, I mistakenly thought it had something to do with sugar (glucose!) and thought it was more of a "fad diet" type of thing that I kind of just rolled my eyes about every time I heard anyone talk about it not realizing that it's actually an allergy issue. 

There's a lot to the subject but in short, people with an allergy to gluten experience a lot of digestive issues (among others) & one of the best ways to discover if you are allergic to gluten is to remove it from your diet for 4-6 weeks and see if your symptoms go away/get better and then to add it back in and see if you have a reaction. Yesterday marked my 2nd week off gluten & it's still a bit too early to tell what sort of effect it's having but I'm committed to remaining gluten free for at least a month and will happily remain GF if it means my symptoms will go away. 

I can't lie though, I decided to go GF as soon as I discovered that it could be the cause of my issues so it was very abrupt and kind of sent me over the edge for about 48 hours...haha. It was just hard because there was now multiple items in our pantry/fridge that I couldn't eat, I really didn't feel like I had a strong grasp on what I was allowed to eat & I kinda just drove myself crazy with all the research I was doing. I actually had to step away from researching/reading GF blogs as it was stressing me out and overwhelming me more than anything- so I'm keeping it simple. 

Once my amazing husband realized how overwhelmed the process had made me feel, he decided to plan a little day trip for us that weekend! It started out with us getting in the car & him handing me this envelope: 

It was filled with little origami papers w/ different times on it and on the inside contained an address to punch into the GPS but no indication of exactly where we were going- how creative is he!? 

We ended up exploring a bunch of po-dunk towns here in PA (which we love to do!), checking out some cute local stores, art galleries, an amazing BBQ hut & doing a mini-nature walk in the woods: 

In the end, it was exactly what I needed to clear my mind & relax- my goodness do I love that man. 

I'll definitely be sharing more on my GF journey in the coming days as it has definitely been an interesting one but just thought I'd put it out there for now. Just curious, any readers have a gluten sensitivity/intolerance or celiac's disease? I'd love to hear a bit of your story! 

 

My 1st 5K!

Well...I did it! 

I did it!

I did it!!

I did it!!!

I did it!!!

I DID IT!!!!

I completed a 5K. Wow-freaking-zer! Can you tell I'm still on a post-race high? Cuz I totally am :) 

Here's the whole glorious story: 

On Friday evening we picked up our race packet & t-shirts- I'm the kind of girl that likes to be as prepared as possible and I thought being able to get suited up with any of these accessories prior to actually being at the race would be a good idea- and I was right :) However, I honestly had no idea what to do with most of it! 

With the help of my amazing hubby and creeping on some running friends FB photos, I was able to figure out the best place to put the running bib & time chip- I can't lie, when I put on the running bib, I felt pretty.dang.legit. We went to bed super early that night since we knew we were gonna be up bright and early the next morning for the race. 

The morning of we were up at 5:20am to do our devotions (aka: spend private/personal time with God), eat a good breakfast (after research I chose to have a slice of bread topped with peanut butter, half a banana & cinnamon) & we got all our gear together! A big thanks to D for getting my chip to fit oh so perfectly on my sneaker (which happen to be Brooks Raveena in case you were wondering! :) 

As soon as we stepped foot outside the door we realized it was FREEZING out. Since losing almost 200lbs I've become a baby when it comes to being cold- I'm always freezing and I really don't like being cold so I knew that if I wanted to let the 40 degree temperature & super windy weather that made it feel more like 34 degrees out be a deal breaker I could, but I just put my big girl pants on and bee-lined for the car :) 

Upon arriving to the race location, which was in downtown Pittsburgh, right outside of one of our country's most beautiful baseball stadiums, PNC park, and snagging a parking spot we decided to hang out in the car until it was race time instead of freezing our bums off standing around outside with everyone else. I'm glad I had about 20 minutes to take in what was going on around me and try to stay as calm as possible- but I still think I was looking a bit nervous, eh? 

We decided to hop out of the car to look for a bathroom since we had 20 minutes to race start time but all of the port-a-john lines were insanely long so I knew I would just have to run this race slightly having to pee- no biggie because I was too focused on how cold I was to even feel my bladder. No joke, my teeth were actually chattering & my body was shaking from the cold & the wind was absolutely crazy SO we decided to head over into the large mass of people and get in our section (we put ourselves somewhere in the middle) and it actually helped keep us a bit warmer with all the warm bodies standing around! Check us out: 

I've gotta say, when I first started training for this race I had not planned on D running it with me at all- this was something I wanted to do for myself and accomplish on my own but he desperately wanted to be there to support me & because I wasn't sure if this would be my last race or not, he asked if I wouldn't mind him running with me. At first I was going to say no as I just didn't want to have to think about anyone else and I thought that perhaps even having him run beside me would cause me to think more about how I was doing running and cause me to possibly want to quit, but I wasn't sure. So, like any good married couple, we came up with a compromise- he would run with me, but he would run in a separate group (he ran with the 9 minute milers and I with the10 minute milers). I just have to say I have the most patient, supportive and loving husband any woman could ever ask for & our compromise ended up working out great and I'm so glad we were able to share this experience together. 

Ok, back to the story, so we were all piled up on the Roberto Clemente bridge and it was a pretty surreal experience for someone who has ever only run alone to be surrounded with so many other people- I was ready to get started! 

Not sure what I was doing in this pic (haha) but we heard the whistle blow and it was go time baby! The only unfortunate mishap was that about 30 seconds into running I realized I had forgotten to put on my breathing strip! Not sure what's going on with my nose (I saw an ENT doctor who didn't seem to think anything was going wrong) but I have a hard time breathing through my nose freely so when I run I wear a Breatheright Nasal Strip and it helps immensley. So, I had to try and weave my way over to the side & try my hardest not to get run over by the crowd of people, pop my nasal strip on & got back into the race! 

Instead of giving every detail of the race, I'm just going to share the highlights & how it was different from any other running experience I've had thus far: 

• I absolutely loved running outside. I have done all of my training (with the exception of one run around my neighborhood) inside at the gym on a treadmill and I can't even explain how great it was and how much quicker the time flew when I had something else to look at other than just the gym wall, my C25K program on my phone, or what I can see just outside the gym window. The route was absolutely gorgeous. We basically ran along the Riverwalk Trail on the North Shore of Pittsburgh- most of it was pavement, some of it was dirt (with a few mud puddles in the mix to keep it interesting! haha) but it was scenic, primarily flat (with one random semi-challenging zig zag hill) & just overall a delightful run. 
• It was super helpful to be running in a group of people. It kind of gave me this heard mentality and helped me keep pace. I still don't think I would like to run with people I know because I just like to do my own thing & not worry about if the other person is stopping or if I want to stop or if one of us want to slow down/pick up the pace. Who knows, maybe that will change one day but at least for my first race, I just wanted to do my own thing. 
• I LOVED that weather for running! Sure, I was freezing when I was just standing around at the beginning and after the race my lungs and nose were burning like a mother but during the race- it was great! I don't even know that I really even sweated at all haha and I promise that wasn't because I wasn't getting a workout because I most definitely was. I really don't know that running in the super hot weather would be for me...I'm willing to try it out but probably wouldn't sign up for a summer race- but who knows, I'll never say never again when it comes to running. 

Perphaps the most amazing part of this race was the way it ended. The hilly part of the race was toward the end and it was at that part that I started the inner battle of considering walking but since my big huge goal for this race was to run the whole thing, I decided to keep pushing- in fact, I didn't even stop for water at the water table! Right after the hill, I saw the stadium & I started thinking, "There's no way this was already 3 miles!?" but sure enough the stadium was in view and I knew that the finish line was right on home plate. 

They had everyone run right into the stadium & as we were running in, the people who had already finished were walking out on the other side cheering us all on. As I entered the stadium it was pretty freaking amazing- I'm a pretty big baseball fan and to be on the field and running the bases was pretty surreal. There were family and friends in the stands cheering people on & as I saw the finish line I started sprinting as fast as I possibly could. 

When I crossed the finish line and saw that the clock time showed 36 minutes (which I knew wasn't even my time since it had been 36 minutes from when they had first started the clock for the first wave of runners), I almost burst into tears. I had done it. I had completed a 5K. Not but two weeks before I had only run 1 mile one time and I had just run 3.1 miles without stopping!!! It was without a doubt the most surreal, great, emotional moment I've experienced on this 3.5 year long journey. 

Shortly after I found D who had finished just 3 minutes before me & was waiting outside the stadium and collapsed into his arms- when we finished our little hug/love fest, we both were misty eyed  :) 

I found some nice people to take our picture right after the race: 

Afterward we decided to check out the "after party" and snagged some great snacks & of course I had to get my picture taken with Pierogi Pete (in case you're not familiar with pierogi's, they are kind of like a Pittsburghers favorite food- they are basically like a potato/cheese/onion stuffed ravioli- very yummy!)

After grabbing some snacks we were both pretty much ready to jet. Check out D with his "Pirates Smiley Face Cookie": 

Once we got home I made us a quick post race snack (a mushroom/egg wrap) and we decided a 2 hour long nap was in order! However, as I lay in bed all I could think about was how I couldn't believe what had just taken place. My training for the 5K was not easy, I almost quit twice because of random injuries but in the end, I didn't give up. I know that without a doubt this was a journey that God was on with me. In fact, that morning as I opened up a book that I use to do my devotions with, look what the subject was for April 13th (race day): 

I know without a doubt that this was God's way of telling me before the race that He was with me & that He was going to give me the strength I needed and that He had seen the struggles I endured and the endurance I had developed through this process. God's love and care for my little life just blows me away- that He cares enough with all that is going on in the world to encourage me in a 5K run is just...divine. 

In the end, I achieved the two goals I had for my first 5K: 

1) My goal was to complete the race in under 37 minutes. My official race time was 34:07 (and I believe I would have totally run it in 33 minutes if not for my stupid nasal strip! haha) but regardless I am super happy with that time! 

2) My bigger goal was to run the whole thing without stopping, which I totally (by God's grace) did. I ran 3.1 freaking miles! It's still pretty unbelievable to me but it totally happened. 

I'm still thinking and praying about what my future with running will be but for now I'm still celebrating the miracle that occurred this weekend; that I can legimitately say: 

My name is Tiffany. 

I've lost 198lbs

I completed a 5K on 4/13/13.

A Victorious Week!

Wondering why I'm cheesing & sweating like the happiest girl in the world in this pic? 

Because last Friday I ran my first consecutive mile EVER. And when I say ever, I actually mean ever! In elementary school I was the kid the P.E. teacher hated because I would rally up a group of students who wouldn't mind walking the whole thing with me and clocking a time of a 21 minute mile. 

Throughout my entire adult life I had just resolved that running a mile was something I would just never be able to do. Proving that lie wrong was an AMAZING feeling. And not only did I prove it wrong but I did one better, I actually ran about 1.5 miles without stopping! Running a mile has been a fitness goal of mine ever since I began this weight loss journey 3 years ago & to finally have achieved it feels amazing. 

That being said, my celebrating time is slightly shorter-lived than I'd like it to be as that 1.5 miles needs to turn into 3.1 miles by Saturday! EEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkk! Yep, this Saturday is the big day- my very first 5K race. 

I'm trying not to sike myself up too much about it but truth be told, I by no means feel like I have this "in the bag" or that I could run it with my eyes closed. Nope, I'm gonna need God's strength for every step of this race & although I'd like a little more time to train (I only have 3 training days left), I've learned that God is pretty reliable. 

I know I should probably say that my only goal for the 5K is to finish but I'd be lying- I believe there's more in me than that. My overall goal is to finish in 37 minutes or less. My I'm-afraid-to-say-this-out-loud-cuz-I'm-not-sure-how-it-will-happen-goal is to run the whole race continuously. 

In the end, my identity or worth is not tied to this race or being a runner or anything outside of who I am in Christ. I know that even if for some reason I'm not able to even finish (which I don't see how that could happen as even if one of my legs fell off I still plan on picking it up and dragging it across that finish line) I still have reason to celebrate because of what has been accomplished even while I've been training (things I never thought possible). 

So, my plan for Saturday: GO, GIVE IT MY ALL & HAVE FUN! 

Weight Loss Progress: 

Last week was not only a huge week with me accomplishing one of my long time fitness goals but also because...

I'm officially in my goal weight range!!! 

After 3+ years of being on this journey, it feels surreal to say that. I weighed in this week at 155lbs and my goal weight range is between 150-155lbs so I've still got 5 more to go but it's just crazy to think that I'm THIS close to my goal. Ahhhhh! Wow. 

I definitely don't think the gravity of all that's happening is really hitting me. More on that another time. 

Recent EATS: 

I'm not sure what has come over me but I have been bitten by the cooking bug. I have been cooking up a storm & not because I feel like I have to now that I'm married or because of pressure from the healthy/eating blog world (which is no bueno) but because I WANT to. 

Huh. Who'da thunk that would ever happen to me!? 

Maybe it's a phase but I have truly been enjoying trying out new recipes and experimenting with new foods- some have turned out great and others not so much...for example: 

Tiff's Skinny Snickers Peanut Butter & Banana Ice Cream! 

Ingredients: 
2 servings (1 cup= 1 Serving) 

1 banana (frozen and chopped into pieces) 
1 mini snickers bar
1 cup ice 
3 tablespoons PB2 (if you haven't tried this stuff it's AMAZZZING) 
1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk 
*you can add a packet of Splenda or some vanilla for extra sweetness if you prefer- I did! 

Mix all ingredients together in a food processor *except for the snickers) until smooth, crumble the mini snickers on top (or any other miniature candy of choice) & put in the freezer so it can harden! We were impatient so we only left ours in for 5 minutes and it had more of a smoothie consistency but if you left it in for 30 minutes it should get much harder. 

This was DELICIOUS!!!! And while there is no mistaking that it's not ice cream it honestly was so creamy & delicious that it totally hit the spot! And the whole desert was only 150 calories! Whoo hoo! 

However, not all of my culinary creations from last week were as successful: 

I'm always trying to find a way to add more veggies in my diet which isn't the easiest thing for me as I didn't grow up eating veggies so I don't really like the taste of many of them & I can be funny about the texture of things so I would say almost all of my veggie cooking attempts have been flops. 

Edemame was no exception. 

I found a recipe for parmesan edamame and thought it looked like a pretty safe bet. Well...first of all, I didn't realize until right before hubby and I were getting ready to take a bite that we weren't supposed to eat the outside of the pod...yea. 

The overall taste was okay but the breadcrumbs really started to gross me out for some reason so I ended up letting D finish the rest of mine. 

I'm still not quite ready to give up on edemame yet though- or cooking veggies in general- anyone have any good veggie recipes to share? This girl needs all the help she can get! 

Alright, I think that's enough for one day- unless you hear from me before Saturday's race- say a little prayer for me! I will be posting a post-race update asap for sure :) 

No Turning Back Now...

5K Progress: 

Well, I guess it's finally official...

I'm running a 5K in two weeks....yikes...wow...this is going to be awesome...and scary. 

After almost giving up running altogether after my knee started popping very loudly (no pain) every time I went upstairs, I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for this 5K even if it means my legs will fall off (okay, perhaps I'm being just a bit dramatic); but honestly, I've been working too hard, come too far & want this too bad to give up  now. So, after my hubby asked for permission to run it with me and I gave it some thought, we both signed up & will be running the Pittsburgh Pirates 5K Home Run race in just 2 short Saturdays from now...yikes! 

I am currently only on Week 6 Day 2 of the program so not quite on track but I have a feeling I'll be okay; I truly can't believe that I can run for 10 minutes straight.

I know that is nothing to some people but it is A LOT to this girl who remembers feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest when I ran for 30 seconds once! Seriously, it has been the strength of Christ in me that has caused me to keep going and even more, truly like (I don't know that I'm at love yet) running. 

So, the next two weeks hold lots of training & preparation for the race. Some things I'm still looking into picking up pre-race: 

• A good sports bra 
• A water hydration belt
• Some energy chews/gu

Anyone have any good recommendations on products like these? 

I don't want to over complicate running with thinking I need all of these crazy gadgets because I know you really don't and I realize I'm not running a marathon or anything, but I do want to be as prepared as possible. 

Please be praying for me during these next two weeks- for COURAGE & FAITH more than anything else- I didn't let fear hold me back at 352lbs and I'm certainly not going to let it at 156lbs! 

Weekly Weigh In: 

That's right, I'm only 6lbs away from my "low goal weight" (I'd like to keep a 5lb happy weight range of 150-155lbs). So I'm down 1lb from last week! And perhaps even more exciting than losing that pound? 

I can hardly believe my eyes when I look at this picture. It really says size 8... and not a size 28 like it used to. When I stopped by Gap to pick up some new work pants as my size 12's were making me look like I crapped my pants, I was worried that even a size 10 would be too tight but eventually I settled into a freaking.fracking.size 8! What? I didn't even know my hip bones could fit into an 8!? 

You can bet your bottom dollar that I was doing an inner victory dance in that dressing room. Numbers have never really meant that much to me and I'm still not going to be tied down by them as I'm sure in many other stores I may still be a 12, but this was definitely a moment that caused me to sit back and just say..."wow." 

Cooking Adventures: 

I am really enjoying learning to cook. It's something that D and I share the responsibility of and delight in doing for one another and we are at about equal levels of skill. Since getting married almost 7 months ago (dang is time flying by), I've made some good dishes but nothing that made me want to lick the plate...until last week when I made this: 

Chicken Artichoke & Pesto Amazingness: 

Oh.my.goodness was this delicious! Essentially it's chicken with lots of yummy artichokes, a spinach pesto & cherry tomatoes- I snagged the recipe from here. You could put this atop some brown rice or ww pasta but hubby and I enjoyed it all by itself and it was filling and SO freaking yummy! I think this will be making a reappearance in the coming weeks! 

I also whipped up some greek chicken salads for lunch last week & despite a slight homemade salad dressing snafu (I don't suggest using Greek yogurt in your salad dressing unless you like to put something that looks like vomit on your salads), it was exactly what I was hoping it would be; I just used some balsamic chicken from Trader Joes, romaine, feta, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers & red onion- fresh and delicious! 

Has anyone tried any good recipes that just made you want to lick your plate lately? If so, please share! 

Easter Happenings: 

For us, it feels like Easter has been going on for a lonnnnng time since we've been helping out at community Easter Egg hunts for the last two weekends (our church & one of our "sister churches" put on egg hunts for the families in their communities every year) & it was great fun! 

Two weekends ago D & I served up over 300 hot dogs (as you can see reflected in his aviators! haha) and although it is still freeeeeeeeezing here in PA, we had a great time. 

This past weekend the weather was so much nicer & we had over 500 people from our community come out and enjoy the festitivies. This was our 4th annual "BIG HUNT" and it's pretty crazy to see my weight loss progression as I've been in pictures at each of them. 

4 Years Ago: 

3 Years Ago: 

2 Years Ago: 

Can't seem to find...Grrrr! 

This Year: 

Honestly, there's not a whole lot I can do after looking at those pictures other than give glory to God. What He has given me the freedom from in these past years has been nothing short of a miracle that has changed my life in countless ways. 

If you have what seems like a mountain of weight loss in front of you to lose, know that THROUGH Christ, all things are possible. Oh yeah, and a lot of hard work that HE gives you the strength to do. 

Have a great week everyone!