Days #237- #241: A Woman Scorned.

I was ticked off all day yesterday.



Why? Because for the last 2 weeks my weight has remained exactly the same despite any changes that I've made in my eating- no matter what every time I stand on the scale it reads 298lbs which definitely frusterates me but hey- I'm level headed in knowing that at least I'm not gaining.



WELL- yesterday morning I stepped on the scale hoping to see a little piece of encouragement from my flawless eating from the day before and what did I see? 301!?!?! How the FRICK do I gain 3lbs when I've been trying harder in the last week then I have in the last 3 months of not gaining/losing anything!!?



Up until yesterday I had never been able to relate to bloggers who have written about being so emotionally thrown by the scale but boy did I feel it yesterday! I was SO mad when I saw that # yesterday- it's like the scale was telling me: "Nope, sorry- you're done losing weight- no matter how hard you try I'm not going to let you!"



And I fell face forward into the trap that SO many have talked about but I had never fallen into myself prior to yesterday- I ate out of anger for the lack of results.



I ate an okay breakfast and had lunch over at a friends but when I came home only a few hours later I ate perogies and a bowl of cereal just because I wanted to- then I had a large icee when i went to the movies and followed it up with a burger and fries for dinner! I was seriously SO mad that even though it doesn't make any sense I felt like I was somehow punishing "someone" and making "whoever" pay for makign me "suffer" in eating healthy and not getting results- all the while not being rational and realizing that the only person I am punishing when I do that is MYSELF.



Needless to say I woke up today with a "food hangover" of sorts and am needing to detox from the sugar, grease, and fat I ingested yesterday. I know all of the reasons that could explain WHY I gained those 3lbs (sodium, T.O.M., etc.) but it all just feels like a cop out to me. I think the most possible rational explanation is that I have hit some sort of plateu and since I'm not working out right now I can't get away with the amount of slack that I've given myself in the past with eating.



I KNOW WHAT I WANT and I will do WHATEVER it takes to ACHIEVE MY GOAL.



I know that this includes continuing to count all of my calories (which I've been doing recently), cut down on the carbs a bit, continue to drink water like I'm a fish (wait- do fish drink water? lol), and also begin to exercise again (this is going to take some more thought/discussion).



Ahhhh- I know this will be worth all of the frusteration and slip ups in the end- just gotta keep moving forward.



To end on a positive note- here is a pic I snapped of me wearing my new favorite shirt! It is originally from Lane Bryant (I saw it there but didn't get it because it was $40) but I picked it up at Gabriel Brothers last weekend for $8! The coolest part? It is an 18/20- I used to wear at least a 22/24 and sometimes a 26/28 in shirts there :)

Ahh- I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for what Wednesday's weigh in will bring as far as the # on the scale, but I know ONE THING- I will keep on going 100% regardless of what it says!

Peace ya'll!

Day #236: What happened in Vegas is STAYING in Vegas!

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm going to be spending the rest of this week reminding myself WHY; why it is that I am on this journey- some of the reasons are more serious than others but they are all reasons none the less.

In some of my earliest posts I shared more of the deeper reasons why being 352lbs was no longer an option for me but lately there have been a lot of new reasons that have served as sobering wake up calls and were the fuel to the fire that is lit up under my bum!

My Thursday reason for working to lose 100lbs this year...

At the beginning of last month my roomate's amazing boss suprised us both by sending us to Las Vegas for the weekend to attend a charity event for him that he couldn't make himself- yes, it's okay...be jealous! :)


I really didn't know much about we were going to be doing there or who all would be there but boy was I in for a suprise! Come to find out we were attending Garth Brook's charity gala weekend which is comprised (interestingly enough) of professional atheletes. Throughout the weekend we had a ton of fun- we got to walk the Strip, do some gambling, enjoyed a private concert by Garth himself!, shopping, and stayed at one of the best hotels in Vegas (The Wynn!) all for FREE! It was amazing!


Despite all of the fun, the 2nd night of the trip was...not so good. That evenig there was a cocktail event and dinner that we were expected to attend and as my roommate and I were getting ready in our hotel room for this elegant event I began to realize just how much my weight has effected my ability to get all dressed up and feel...well, sexy. I guess I've never realized this before because, well HELLO, it's not every day that I attend cocktail parties and "red carpet"ish events- and I have found a way to feel very comfortable (and attractive) in my normal every day life- but not this night. My roomate got all dressed up in this hot black dress and super cute heels while I wore black dress pants, a flowy blouse, flats, and a cardigan.


As we walked down the entrance to the grand ballroom and all of the professional athlete's trophy wives came into sight I suddenly felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock. I seriously was the ONLY girl there not wearing a dress and that weighed above 160lbs- seriously, I checked. As my roommate and I walked the room I felt like she was a celebrity and I was her manager or something- it was ridiculous because I NEVER feel like this in "real life." Again, I just wanted to run behind one of the long heavy curtains and stay there until the party was over- it was horrible.


Now, if you've read my blog for an extended period of time you would know that I generally do not struggle with my appearance or self-esteem; heck- that is the very reason it took me so long to even begin this journey- the way I look has never really been a huge issue for me. In fact, it often feels extremely foreign to me to hear other girls say that they are ugly or fat- but for the first time, I could completely identify with them that night in Vegas.


Now, the logical side of me is saying : "Tiffany, it's not about looks- it's about inner beauty, those girls didn't have anything on you...blah, blah, blah." And I FULLY believe and know that it is my character, integrity,and personality that make me- and I'm okay with that. HOWEVER, I don't like feeling like the scum of the earth simply because of my looks. That night I vowed to continue on this journey so that I would NEVER have to feel that way again.


Not sure exactly when/where, but when I have finally hit my goal weight I am going to buy a sleeveless dress, put on some heels, and go out into a similar type setting (all of which I NEVER do now) and enjoy feeling like everyone else.

So that is my reason for losing this weight today: I want to be able to go out in any social situation and not feel like the literal "elephant in the room." So in this case, what happened in Vegas will most definitely be STAYING in Vegas!

Check out some pics from our trip!

Garth's wife, Trisha Yearwood, singing at the charity concert!

The view of Garth from our front row table!

Our AMAZING hotel room!

The view of Vegas from our hotel room!

Anyone ever been in a similar situation with feeling like the ugly duckling in the room?

Well, NO MORE for me! :)

Days #230- #235: Delusional No More

Today as I stepped on the scale for my weekly weigh in I was half expecting to lose 2-3lbs. Instead- what I saw was the same number I've been seeing for the last 2 weeks: 298.

Why was I expecting to lose 2-3lbs? Because I'm delusional.

No, really. I have NOT hit a plateu or anything like that- I'm simply under the belief somehow that I can eat really well most of the time and then have something completely packed with fat/calories at some point throughout the day and that I'll still lose weight- UM HELLO- delusional.

After seeing that same number (298) on the scale this morning I wanted to feel bad for myself but then when I took an inventory of what I ate even just yesterday for example, the reason why I'm still seeing that number became clear as day. This is how I ate yesterday (and how I've been eating- mind you this is all while I think I am "eating to lose weight"):

Breakfast: 6:20am

- Coffee (1 Tbl ff 1/2 n 1/2, 1 splenda, 1 Tbl ff creamer)

- Super small serving of Special K Vanilla Almond Cereal w/ Almond Milk

* The actual contents are not horrible but it is simply not enough food to start the day off with, again- it was because I was rushing out the door and didn't plan like I had just written about in the previous post- which is why....

Snack #1: 8:30am

- Honey Chex Mix (2 cups!)

*Again, not a horrible choice in and of itself- IF I had eaten the suggested serving size, but b/c I hadn't eaten a good breakfast I was hungry and it was all that was around.

Lunch: 12:30pm

- Quiznos small Mesquite Chicken sub (490 cals!)

- Quiznos small caesar Salad (535 cals!)

- Large Diet Coke

*WTF?!? Since when do SMALL salads have 535 friggin calories!? The reason I went to Quiznos instead of having the planned healthy smoothie? Because my co-worker had a coupon and since I still hadn't had anything truly substantial to eat- fruit was just not gonna do it for me. Again, breakfast seems to have just thrown it all off.

Dinner: 6:30pm

- Cup of baked ziti pasta

- 3 breadsticks

*We were serving food at a soup kitchen (or pasta kitchen-haha) yesterday to the community so I just had what was served and I'm okay with the pasta since the portion size was so small but the 3 breadsticks? Really? Truly, it was just mindless eating.

Snack: 7:30pm

- Starbucks Venti Blended Strawberry Lemonade (cals not listed on site since it's not on the regular menu)

* I just plain wanted this- I had a gift card and was craving something cold and tart.

Later Night Snack: 8:30pm

- Smart Ones Dessert (170 cals)

* Not a horrible dessert choice but I really didn't need it.

I don't know what makes me think that not sacrificing and disciplining myself will eventually lead to weight loss- for me, it only leads to maintenance. I guess I'm glad that I at least know that when I have hit goal weight that I'll know how to maintain but at 298lbs, that is NOT what I'm trying to do right now!

I know some may not agree with me but here's MY truth for the next 5 months: With EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth ask myself: Is this choice getting me closer to or farther away from where I want to be? There will be NO MORE "cheats" or "treats;" this doesn't mean I will never have something that is sweet but if I do it will be calculated in and planned for.

The hard truth is the remaining 46 lbs that I have to lose are going to take EVERY ounce of effort that I have and I plan to GIVE it!

For the rest of the week I'm going to be spending time reminding myself WHY I want to lose this weight and what I will be gaining from it- for me, I've got to keep the prize in mind in order to do this and I think that is exactly what I need right now.

I finally made it back to the gym last week and had a blast doing 30 minutes on the elliptical- here's the proof :)

Day #229: Planning for the Unplanned.

Mornin'!

I've noticed it's the little things in this journey that can so easily trip us up- whether it be a candy jar at the front desk in our office that just keeps calling our name or an "accidental-circumstance" where we find ourselves with a lack of nutritious things to eat in our refridgerators when we are super hungry- we can have all the good intentions in the world but if we don't learn how to navigate through the "little slip up" spots that continually show up in our lives- we will never be successful.

My morning today was a perfect example of this:

At home I always have an abundance of breakfast options to choose from; in fact, I make sure that I do- so if you were to look through my cabinets and fridge you would see my favorite healthy breakfast items: special k vanilla almond cereal with unsweetened vanilla almond milk, stuff to make an egg white breakfast wrap with, and for a special treat- cinnamon crumpets with reduced fat butter. And if my life were to go perfectly the way I plan it to go, I would be able to sit down at my cute little breakfast nook and enjoy my delicious breakfast and coffee while staring out the window.

*Ring* *Ring*- it's reality calling- in the past month that has happened all of maybe...3 times? While it's all good then I am prepared with these healthy items, the fact of the matter is, no matter how hard I try, it's just not realistic for me to get up any earlier than I already am- I have to leave the house every day at 6:30am and I'm lucky to pull myself out of bed any earlier than 5:45 since I'm fighting to get at least 6 1/2 hours of sleep most nights.

So- what's a girl to do?!?!? PLAN for the UNPLANNED. If we simply allow ourselves to only be successful on this journey when everything in our life goes as planned, we are most likely not going to be successful because if your life is anything like mine, nothing every goes as planned!

So here's how it's BEEN going down for me with breakfast almost every day: I make my coffee (1 tablespoon fat free 1/2 n' 1/2 + 1 tablespoon fat free vanilla creamer + 1 splenda) and then either grab a luna bar or fiber one bar and have that for breakfast around 6:30 am, then (you guessed it) come 9:30-10:00 I'm hungry again and I end up doing something really stupid and walking to Breugger's bagels and grabbing a breakfast wrap that I eat stupidly before I had the chance to look up the nutritional info online to see that it had 690 calories!!?!?! Well, that is just not acceptable!

Here's what I'll be doing from here on out:

- Seriously try my hardest to wake up earlier, but if all else fails and I do have even just a quick second I'm gonna whip up something that I can take with me in the car- I cannot wait to try one of these "egg mug" recipes from Hungry girl! Has anyone ever tried making these?

- Research and find some healthy breakfast options that I like and that are convenient for me get where I work- I can promise you, had I known that wrap was 690 calories I wouldn't have eaten it- but that's what you get for eating without doing the research!

Here are a few healthy fast food breakfast options I've found already:

*BRUEGGER'S BAGELS: Egg white and cheese everything bagel (380 cals)

*SUBWAY: Western Egg Sandwhich (285 cals)

*STARBUCKS: Spinach, Roasted Tomato, Egg Wrap (240 cals) I've actually had this before and it was pretty delicious- kind of tasted like pizza!

So there you have it- my plan for the unplanned (and ever increasing) moments of life!

Anyone have any on-the-go breakfast suggestions to share?

Day #222- #228: Learning to Celebrate! :)

Morning ya'll!

Today was weigh in day and the result was: no loss, no gain. No worries though- this has just fueled my fire to see a loss next week. I have finally come to a place where I am not worried when I don't see the kind of results I'd like to see because I know that I WILL get to my goal and live the life I want. I don't have any doubts any more.

There are; however, days when I feel as though because of the pause in my progress that I've never even made any- as if the 54 pounds I've lost don't matter. Well, I'm reminding myself that that is a lie by sharing some pics! I'm still 6 pounds away from my next progress picture but this past weekend while perusing through some old pics with my roomie I was reminded of just how far I've come when I found some pics of me 50 pounds ago and compared them with some pics that were taken this weekend. This is my way of learning to celebrate the changes I've made even though I've not arrived at where I'm going just yet :)

Example #1: The pic on the left is probably the catalyst that made me change my ways- this picture was taken for the staff pictures on my church's website and everytime I look at it I just get sad; it represents being trapped in a prison to me. The pic on the right was also a staff picture for our church (taken for another reason) just 2 weeks ago- I was happy to not cringe when I saw it this time around! By the way- when I lose 100lbs, I'm going to make them put a new pic up on the website :)

Example #2 : The pic on the left is also one of the few "wake up call" pictures I have- again, the thought that comes to mind is the word "trapped;" I was trapped inside that body. The pic on the right is one that I'm still not completely happy with- the word that comes to mind when I see this one is "in progress"- I'm by no means finished, but progress is being made.

It is still pretty difficult for me to even picture what I will look like when I hit my 2010 goal of weighing 252 (a 100lb loss) and even more incomprehinsible what I will look like when I hit more overall goal of weighing 175lbs (a 177lb loss) because I don't remember even what age I was when I weighed 250...or 175- I was certainly not an adult. I feel like I'm unwrapping some sort of present!

Alright- I'm going to peace out for now, I'm really excited about tomorrow's post though...and you should be too! :)

Take steps forward today!

Day #221: Wednesdays are for Weigh Ins- Super Special Edition! :)

Morning darlings!

Thanks for all of your encouraging words on yesterday's post- I really needed to hear that other people believe I can achieve my goal and not just me :) So basically... you rock!

I used to do my weekly weigh ins on Sundays (but mostly because that was when a group that I was doing my Biggest Loser competition was having their weigh ins) but I've now decided to weigh-in on Wednesdays! And because today just so happens to be Wednesday... it's time for a weigh in!

It has been a long time since I've posted a weigh in on here and I'm happy to annouce that I'm down 2lbs and even more ELATED to announce that I have officially broken the 300lb mark and have a 2 in front of my weight!!

Previous Weight: 300lbs
Current Weight: 298lbs

I honestly do not remember the last time I looked at the scale and was under 300lbs in the last...7-8ish years? So today is a good day :)

And if my math is correct, I will need to lose an avg of 10 pounds per month in order to make my goal of losing 100lbs in a year- it's going to be tough but I KNOW that I can and WILL do it!

How is everyone else doing on their 2010 goals?

Have a great wednesday ya'll! Today, this girl is all SMILES :)

Day #220: Where I find Myself.

Morning!

Yesterday (as I mentioned in my little "Hi" post), I spent a bit of time checking in on some of the bloggers that I've truly connected with since beginning this blog. It had honestly been about 2 months since I had really gotten to just sit down and read and I can't tell you how BLOWN away I was to come back to these blogs and see how much progress some of you have made! Perhaps most noteworthy- Julia , who since beginning her weight loss journey (which I believe was about the same time I did...so about 9 months ago) has lost over 100lbs! W.O.W. Needless to say, you all have someone applauding you all in your corner because the fact is- you are still here and still losing- and that IS what this is all about.



So...where am I in all of this? That is the question that I feel like I can't move on in this blog or my journey at all really without answering. I am compelled to analyze where I am in my journey and decide if I've failed or succeeded- those are really the only 2 options that I feel like I have. The truth of the matter is that for the past 3 months I've really just been maintaining my weight loss- I have exercised less than a handful of times, eaten carelessly many handfuls more, and tried to almost forget the journey I've been on since last November- and to me that would mean all signs point in the direction of...failure.



But here's MY reality- I have lost 50lbs and am HALFWAY to my goal of losing 100lbs this year. I have NOT FAILED because it is not December 31st yet and this is NOT over. Sure, I may have had 3 months of not doing my best- but I didn't gain back all of my weight- and for some reason, I feel as though I have.



But at this point I realize I have 2 options to choose from:



#1: I can feel bad that I have wasted these past 3 months of just maintaining and not losing any weight. Compare myself to others and their weight loss and feel bad about myself. Listen to the voice in my head saying I can't do this, and basically allow all of that negativity to make me just...stop. And then come January 2011 I would be finding myself making the same resolution again and probably close to being back at my starting weight.



OR



#2: I can accept that I didn't lose any weight in the last 3 months and let it serve as a sober reminder to me that just because I've lost 50lbs does not mean that I'm a shoe-in for losing the next 50 and that my whole self isn't magically rewired into being a health food eating exercising robot, I'm human and I've got choices to make. I can work my BUTT off these next 5 months and prove to myself that I CAN do this and live the life that I deserve to have. I will move forward accepting that I'm human and remembering that my goal in this journey is not perfection but perserverance.



There is 145 days left in this year and I intend to make every one of them a day that get's me closer to my goal- EVERY STEP- a one forward!



Whew! Alright- that was Tiffany's motivational speech for the day :)



Real quick before I go- I have hit the jackpot! No- not in money...but in another kind of green- SALAD!! Now I know that to some salad may be a 4 letter word but I really love it but because I am a freak about the taste of certain salad dressings and the cleanliness of produce that I don't wash myself I rarely get salads on the go which is stinky because I eat on the go A LOT.



Well, problem solved thanks to Breugger's Bagels! Not sure where they are located throughout the country but they have an option to build you own salad that I'm just crazy about. All of the ingredients are super fresh and are not just your typical salad bar ingredients- they whip it all up in a big bowl right in front of you (not just grab a pre-packaged one of out a refridgerator in "the back") and it is the right size and everything! Sure, you have to be careful what toppings you put on it and how much dressing you ask for but just like in any situation- there's always that choice to be made.



Wanna see my yummy creation? Or at least what was left over of it after I scarfed it down in the car :) (I know, I know...dangerous! lol)

I put tomatoes, asiago cheese, red onion, and 1 scoop (possibly 1 and 1/2 table spoons) of caesar dressing in mine. Personally, I would rather have my salad be a little dry with really yummy dressing than a lot of yucky light dressing. Just my opinion :)

Alright friends- make today one you are proud of!

Days #206 - #219: Hi!

Good Afternoon,

Just wanted to pop in quickly and say hello! I'm actually going to spend some time catching up with all of my favorite bloggers right now (which I am SUPER excited about) but wanted to at least pop and in and say hi :)

You'll be hearing from me tomorrow!